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Madness 101 (or Aillindria's Follies)

Why am I writing this?  What is it I hope to accomplish by writing the things that are happening in my life, and why on earth would anyone care about reading the words of some unknown person talking about their most intimate secrets and thoughts?  Maybe no one will read this and it will float off into cyberspace like a wisp disappearing silently into the great abyss, true enough, and maybe someone will read it who knows.

 Perhaps someone who needs these words will find them, maybe I can make someone laugh and smile, or understand there are others out there like them, that they are not alone in their frustration, their anger at dealing with those in the medical community.  I intend to be brutally honest in my thoughts, and if you do not agree with them that is fine, for I have never denied the right of anyone to have their own opinion.  If you do not like what I write, don't read it.  If you do like it read on.

This is not about whining. Am I happy about the things going on with me, certainly not.   Would I like my life back the way it was, you can rely on it.  But wishing, and hoping won't change what is, however unexpected, or unpleasant.  Sometimes in life we have to adjust our attitudes and ideas to fit the situation.  When I first went to work in oncology nursing years ago I had a hard time adjusting I wanted to save lives, be a hero, but sometimes what is needed is someone to sit quietly and hold a dying persons hand as they slip away from their pain for the last time because their family could not make it to their bedside before grandfather death arrived to dance them away into eternity.  You have to adjust your thinking sometimes instead of saving, you need only to comfort, and to care. Instead of great victories, now tiny ones suffice.

 I chose to change my thinking about all the things I could no longer do into a silly, if somewhat sarcastic celebration at times, over the little things I get done (or have happen) in a day. " "Huzzah, I got the dishes done!", or "Look free falling, it isn't just for skydivers!", after I have taken yet another  tumble.  If you can not adjust your thinking  you get lost in all the things you can not do anymore, or at least I would . Mourning the ghost of glories past is a waste of time, not that I do not sometimes still go there, but you can only sit so long on the pity pot I think it best not to dwell there too much, making yourself more miserable is counterproductive in the end.

So know when I mention the things that are going on with me that I do not feel sorry for myself, nor do I seek the pity of others, it is merely discussing what is happening so others who may be having similar issues may relate and realize they are not alone out there in what they are going through.  I must still have a lot of Polyanna in me because I believe things happen for a reason, and somewhere even in the most difficult of moments something good is yet born in spite of what seems to be unyielding despair. Though at the time our own sorrow may hide it from our view.  



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