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So depleted

First let me clarify I dearly love my friends, I am exceedingly grateful for having them.  My true friends are remarkable gifts from the Universe and I treasure them deeply.  the lonliness I speak of is the soul that seeks it's mate, but then I realize I am probably my own soul mate, lol...that would just make so much sense...Secondly let me make it abundantly clear I am NOT suicidal.....I am simply tired.  I feel profoundly raw right now, and I know I am being oversensitive....but I feel alone at the core of my soul....I seek a soulmate that does not exist except within myself....All my life I have been my own hero, fought my own battles, done what needed to be done....and I am grateful for those experiences that made me stronger, better, more empathetic...I am glad I went through the hard times, the difficult battles and learned to stand on my own two feet....I am grateful that I learned to be self reliant.....I am especially grateful that I learned to love unconditionally...but right now I am tired, weary, and feeling alone on a spiritual level.   I wonder why I continue to go on....I feel unimportant, and inconsequential....

.I want to close my eyes and drift away....and never return.....My soul is battle weary, and  my heart is scarred.....I have given the dagger of trust to some people only to have it thrust into my heart....I long to rest my head on the shoulder of a  twin flame that does not exist, at least not for me....hugging myself just is not the same thing lol.  Tonight my nerves are simply laid bare, exposed to all...and I feel as though yet another person who I have given trust to has betrayed my trust, and even made fun of me with their friends....it could be I am imagining this...but I don't think so.  This on the heels of someone who should have known me better seriously questioning my integrity, expressing to others that she was questioning my integrity all behind my back... and then trying to start a bunch of drama with me in the middle.  I acknowledge my own responsibility in this pain...If I had not handed them the dagger of my trust, indeed, they could never have stabbed me with it.....I  do take responsibility for my own part in all of this.....I was being true to who, and what I was, and I will  never be not true to the person that I am.  I will not compromise my beliefs, and my principals because another treats me badly ....but that does not make the sting less either...Hurt is still hurt..

I am tired  though, of fighting these kinds of people.  I want to just give up...tired of others treating me so shabbily....I don't want to do it anymore....I just don't...but I will go on...until it is time for me to go, but honestly I don't want to....I want to be set free from all  of the physical, and emotional pain...I want to sail away from all the mental, and spiritual conflict and distress.....I am at peace with myself...I have learned to love myself, learned to love unconditionally with no expectation of return of those feelings,  I have done my very best... and feel I can do no more.....I feel as though the tethers that hold me here on this physical plane of existance are slipping away one by one....Until it is time though I will get up every day...I will make the most of each moment and do my level best to make the world a better place.  I will be grateful for all in my life....and I will go on.....but right now, at this moment I am simply, profoundly, and deeply....tired.



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June 2019


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