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Tonight I feel alone, inexplicably, irevocably alone.  I know logically that I am not alone, that I have many good friends who love me, who care about me, and I love and care about them as well...but tonight in the silence that surrounds me I feel deeply lonely.  It is hard to let go of someone you care about as a friend, even when you know they are just plain toxic for you....I wonder if in some ways it is an "ego thing", because you have to admit you were wrong about someone on such a huge level, maybe that is part of it too.  I don't honestly know.  I know that I am worth more and better than the way they treated me consistently throughout the years.  I made up excuses for them, forgave them time after time, and even now...as strange as it seems, after all the horrible treatment I still forgive them...
I do not hate them....I feel sorry for them...They undoubtedly don't see my loss as any big deal, because they never held me to be of any value, they never treasured me, or even cared for me in all honesty.  They saw me only as someone to be used, then pushed away when I became "inconvienient" in their lives.....I have had to accept this, to face this, to embrace this truth no matter how painful...but the reason I am sad for them is this... they have lost one of the greatest and rarest treasures in the world, they have lost a truly loyal friend....To me there is nothing sadder than that...but then that is me, my thoughts, my feelings on the matter.  I only know I can not take the push me-pull-you treatment any longer.  I can not keep having my heart ripped out and shredded everytime I try to be a friend to them...I just can't do it.....In their minds no doubt they have lost nothing at all by losing me, because I mean nothing to them.  It is what it is, life goes on, the sun will rise in the morning, the birds will sing, and my heart will undoubtedly still ache...but I will be alive, and off the toxic merry go round of unending torment I allowed myself to tolerate for far too long....So a toast to a new day, a liberated, and wiser me....forever free of the lies I told myself trying to believe in a friendship that never existed except in my own heart and mind.....To those who may read this Pax, and blessiings on you, and may you ever be safe from toxic people who do not cherish you as you deserve.



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June 2019


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