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I do not know how to explain it....or why it is happening so suddenly, but finally the wounds are truly begining to heal.  I can honestly laugh with real mirth again, and I have moved past trying to figure out this  "friends"actions.  For instance I recently heard from someone that this friend had inquired about me....I was curious as to why, but realized it ultimately made not a bit of difference to what was...Perhaps it was guilt, perhaps a sense of morbid curiousity, or perhaps any number of things. but really when it came down to it I did not care why because in my heart I knew it just did not matter....Things were not changing, and honestly I did not mind that they were not....and that is when you know....your heart is on the mend, hatred is not the opposite of love....indifference is.  It does not mean I do not still care about this individual, indeed I wish them well, but I have come to realize what a toxic, one sided relationship it  truly was.  To use a very old turn of phrase, I am well shot of them.

Aside from copious amounts of artistic, and writing inspiration (which I can in fact still glean from a long history of interactions with this person, and loving this individual unconditionally, and completely unrequited even unto friendship), I have gotten nothing from this person for the most part, except heartache, and heartbreak. If all my tears throughout my long history with this individual could be stored up I swear they would form their own ocean, or perhaps a very large lake, lol) My friendship, loyalty, and love were not treasured, or reciprocated, and that is OK...I allowed myself to be used, and that was totally my own fault...I am responsible for my own happiness, they are not, and if I allow abuse of my friendship and love knowing they are not valued....well then sweet friends, I have no one else to blame but myself.  In my defense though, this person did come to me initially in this last interaction, apologizing for previous wrongs they had visited upon me....well that apology was apparently nothing more than a way to asuage their own conscience, and in reality I am pretty certain it was not truly sincere, having little, or nothing to do with me at all, even though I was it's "subject" as it were (that is of course, merely my opinion.... predicated by the ensuing treatment of myself by them) .

But life goes on, yes it does. and finally I am moving past it.....slowly, but steadily.  I do not wish them ill, I hope they someday learn the lessons I know they need to learn,because there are many, but it is not for me to teach them, and I hope they find their lessons easier than I did my own, because my lessons I would not wish on my worst enemy, let alone anyone I even remotely cared for, and believe me, I do still care...But not enough to allow the use, and abuse to continue, nor the disrespect, or indifference  I don't need that in my life, I don't deserve that in my life.....I deserve better, way better than they ever gave me...I have included a song I like, one about being stronger because you survive the hurt someone visits upon you, rise above the pain and find the sun again my beloved friends.  Hugs and love to all my friends...Pax to all may peace always fill your lives, live well, be good, do good.

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ailindria
ailindria

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