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Feb. 8th, 2016

Life is funny.  I have always thought jealousy was a totally wasted emotion, and I still do.  My theory is, and always has been that if someone wants to be with you they will, and if they don't, they won't, end of story.  For that reason I have never been a terribly jealous person.  Until a few months ago that is, when I actually experienced real jealousy, I found this to be enlightening albeit very annoying.  It did not take me long to beat it, but still, the point is I actually experieced the emotion itself, something I had never felt before.   I was taken aback by the power of it, I completely understand now how someone who was inclined to follow their emotions rather than thinking them through could get swept away into foolish, destructive, angry or vindictive behavior so easily.

OK so I confess that I am a bit of a odd duck when it comes to emotions, I analyze them, and if they are irrational, or counterproductive I rid myself of them.  The only emotion I can not do that with is love, this is both a good and a bad thing I suppose. If I could rid myself of that most wonderous emotion I most certainly would have purged myself of those emotions for the person who has recently been the cause of so much pain and overwhelming distress in my life.  Ah, but on the bright side of this is that it has proven beyond a shodow of a doubt that I can, and do, love unconditionally (because the greatest proof of unconditional love is loving someone who does not love, or quite frankly does not even truly like you at all).  Love is not logical as is proven by the fact that I still love,, and care for someone who does not care one tiny bit  for me.  But rather than pining I am trying to move my focus into even more universal love for others, focusing healing energies, and love on any and all who need it working harder than ever to make the world a better place.

This is how I am dealing with my heartache, and this is how I am surviving the hurt that plagues my heart...I am certain this seems odd to most people, but it is how I deal with things, and I never claimed to be normal at all, it is time to give, time to be the best version of the being that I am,  It is time to grow.   It is moments like this I suspect I am an alien, I wonder what has brought me here...is it random chance, or destiny?  I wonder if I am right in my beliefs, is anyone right, or is there merely sweet oblivion at the end?  I suppose at the end of this life I will get my answers, until then I   will never stop wondering, I never stop asking, and I am certain that I do not think like most people, but I embrace my eccentricities, my craziness, it is me, it is who I am....I know I am hard to love because I am so very different, and maybe someday I will have answers as to why, but for now I say to any who may have ventured here, pax, be well, embrace who you are, and love yourself you are beautiful, you are wonderful, and you are more than worthy of love.



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