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Feb. 7th, 2016

This is not the first time I have had a friend walk away from our friendship, sometimes it is because their own lives become so complicated they can not handle the bizarre events which ever seem to occur in my life (one friend once told me that if anyone ever wrote a biography of my life one would have to qualify it as fiction because the events which surround me would simply be to hard for most people to believe, and that if they themselves had not been there for some of the events they would not believe them themselves), or the way I handle so many things by forgiving other's they perceive have wronged me (they think I am not fighting back, and it angers them) they see my willingness to forgive as weakness, or take exception that I will stand by their  side, but that I will  always point out the possible opposing veiw points of those they were having conflicts with, and at times tell them I think they may be wrong in their assessment of a situation  because I feel that anything else is a disservice to my friendship, but some people think that anything other than blind agreement to their veiwpoints is a betrayal of friendship, which is unfortunate because nothing could be further from the truth I simply am not a "yes man/woman",.  If I give you my friendship it includes my opinions at times.  These departures always hurt my heart, for when I love, and give my friendship I also give my loyalty, but I let them go with my blessings.  These are not one sided friendships where they lend moral, and emotional support without my reciprocating for them.  I have stood by these people when other's walked away from them, and yet still the time came when they flelt they no longer wished to maintain our friendship.

 Inevitabley these people always come back into my life in time asking forgiveness, and saying how they missed my friendship,and that they had made a mistake.  I forgive them, let them back, and without fail watch as their own feelings of guilt at their own behaviors( I think mostly), push them away from me yet again,and perhaps equally as well it is because when they walk away the first time, and then choose to come back. I am hesitent to fully share my life with them in the spontaneous, bohemian way I once did, I become loving, but reserved.  I am cautious, and a bit careful in order to protect my heart, a reaction I think which is understandable given their previous departure.  I am a stalwart friend,yet when abandoned I can not help but be conservative in my exhuberance, careful in what I share with them knowing that this person's friendship is a fragile thing, and knowing that I can not completely rely upon it.   Perhaps they sense my reluctance to fully embrace them as I once did because for me at least trust needs to be rebuilt, and once broken on such a deep level I must take my time to fully open to them again, most simply choose not to wait fading this time from my life, contact becoming less, and less until it simply is no more.

I will have to say this time is the worst though, the hurt is far deeper because I think I have loved this person for so many years unconditionally, forgiven more, given more with very little, if any expectation ever of anything in return.  When they came to me and unsolicited, apologized for all they had done in years gone by at one point,  I told them I had forgiven them long ago, which was true.  Now I doubt their apology was sincere at all, and sadly I think it may well only have been a ploy to gain my trust and to use me to fill a void in their life,  It is disheartening that I am brought to this conclussion but given the callousness with which they treated me over, and over again in recent interactions I had to wonder if this was not the case, and finally, when given the chance to leave my life unhindered, or remain friend's they chose to walk away without a thought, or care for me, or my feelings, or of how their departure from my life would hurt me....

So I guess that said it all, they never did care.  I was simply conveinient , and when I ceased to be convienient my friendship was held so cheaply that when they had other people to support them,  they walked away without a second thought or a single care about me.  I still cry often, I still hurt, I will for some time to come, but I will survive, I will go on.   Eventually the pain will fade, but the scars, very real, though invisible, never will.  .Those scars will give me strength, and courage, those scars will bring me wisdom, and help me to do what I must do, those unseen scars will help me to better help others who may hurt.  I bear this person no ill will, I wish them well...I will always care, and love, though my caring and love is unwanted, and unrequited.....I can no longer accept though the callous disregard, and the cavalier treatment of my heart and soul by this person no matter how much I love them, no matter how much I care. Pax and may you believe always in your own self worth, and never allow yourself to be mistreated, or misused by another.  You are valuable, you are beautiful, and you are loved my friends.



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