Some days you just can't seem to make anyone happy

Some days you just can't seem to make anyone happy. Today was definitely one of those days. I admit some of it was my fault, no I did not call my BFF back when I discovered that upstairs, where the outdoor feral cat was quarantined (so he could get his twice daily medication for a foot infection) had temps soaring into the high 90's Fahrenheit. The cat was panting and showing the first signs of heat stroke, so I was working frantically to bring the temps down up in the area, and cool the cat off which included wetting him down and bringing more fans into the area, and using one of those horrible portable AC units which are almost totally ineffective (can you tell I am not a fan?). Managed to get the temp to 87 degrees but I still had to keep wetting him down using a wet washcloth...

Now some of you may ask "If he is feral why would he let you do that?". The explanation may sound strange, but it is the truth. Through the years I have tamed down a number of stray cats who are only tamed down to me. They let no one else come near them, let alone touch them, and he is one of those (I have also tamed chipmunks, and various birds, I guess one could well consider it a gift. In any case, in all this running up and down stairs, and tending the cat I failed to call my friend back. I can tell she is unhappy with me, but really did I have another choice here short of ignoring the situation, and allowing the cat to suffer heat stroke...I don't really think so.

Earlier today I asked my husband to help me put up some thermal curtains to keep the soaring temps better in check. I made a point of cooking him breakfast so he did not have to worry about eating. I figured it would be an easy five minute fix, but he was angry that I did not ask him the night before when he got home from work, and was very clearly pissed at me. He finally calmed down, and made apologies, but not before he was rather verbally antagonistic towards me.

Then another friend who was staying at me was upset something, and won't talk about it. I don't know if she is upset with me or someone is a mystery...but I could have, in a fit of self pity, allowed this to be the sour cherry on the ruined cake of my day. Instead I made a conscious decision to let go of these accept that in each given instance I had done the best I could do at that moment. Could I have done better,in some instances yes. I can work on clarifying things better, on communicating better, and I will, but if I offended at all it was not intentional. So tonight I tell myself that tomorrow is another day, know that I do the best I can, rectify things I have done wrong, and realize that somedays, no matter what I do, I will not please those I love the most. Does that make me a bad person, or mean that I don't care? No, it just means that I am like all humans, flawed, and imperfect, ever a work in progress. So for those of you out there having bad days, I send my love. I ask you to accept your own humanity, and the humanity of others, forgive often, and don't forget to forgive yourself. Always do your best to rectify, and make right if you have done wrong. Hugs to you, and realize you are only human....Pax to all.

(no subject)

There are times we have to let go of people because, for any number of reasons, they grow distant, they outgrow their need, or desire to have us in their lives. No matter how much it hurts, let them go. No matter who they are to you, husband, lover, adult child, let them go. Don't be the albatross who holds them back, but do not sit pining, and wait for them to return. Release in light and love, go forth knowing you did all you could do, find happiness within yourself. Move forward knowing it is the right thing to do.

Invisible Me

Good ol' invisible me
I am the woman
that no one can see
I am the woman
no one can hear
no point in shedding
a single lost tear
I don't really mind it
I hold no deep fear
I straighten my shoulders
and know I'm sincere
I know I go on
I've got a strong heart
I have tried to help
to do my own part
when I thought that I could
but help disregarded
Is simply more wood
to the fire of feeling
that I offer no good
my words drop so deeply
into the abyss
I'm just one of those people
that so few would miss
what use am I truly
in a world of so many
I'm just taking up space
not a bright shiny penny
But here I will stay
Until I do end
and hope that too many
I will not offend

Janice Kimball

And so I almost died (continuation, part 3)

Anna the pre-op nurse was lovely, kind, efficient, professional, and caring, but she and I only got to speak for a few moments before they came to take me to surgery. The surgeon had told my husband the surgery would only take about 2 hours. He was not done with my surgery until after 10pm. During this time no one came out to update my poor hubby, and he was beside himself with worry, "What the hell is going on" he wondered, "What is taking so long, what has gone wrong?". He confessed to me later that he was really scared as time passed that evening with no word as to what had happened to cause the huge delay.

So what had gone wrong? The surgeon got inside and found a much larger amount of bowels than he expected caught outside the hernia, and tangled in a Gordion knot to the bargain, and then, to add insult to injury (literally) the surgeon who did my gallbladder surgery about 10 years ago truly botched things up and left a lot of scar tissue which needed to be removed before they could even begin the repair.

And where was I when all this was going on? My body was definitely on the operating table without a doubt, but my soul had left my body, and was in the most amazing white and gold palatial room, and was being tended to by loving entities who soothed, and comforted me, and assured me all would be well. I was at ease, and resting peacefully, and for the first time in a very long time, I was blissfully pain free, and I was literally surrounded by more love than I can even describe. I stayed in this place throughout the surgery, and for many hours after it was done. Some may think it was nothing more than a dream brought on by the anesthesia, but I doubt this, as I have never dreamed under anesthesia before,and most certainly not stayed in the same dream for many hours, and I have NEVER woken from anesthesia with absolutely no nausea, and minimal pain as I did on this occasion. I really hated having to leave this beautiful place behind, but I knew I had to return to this plane for now, because I was not done here yet.....But I can tell you this, any remaining concerns I had about death disappeared totally since that experience. For me the question is answered, is there a continuance of the soul after bet there is, and what a wondrous place it is indeed!

And so I almost died (continuation part 2)

The results of the CAT scan showed a bowel obstruction secondary to an incarcerated hernia. For those with a non medical back ground, a hernia is caused by " A combination of pressure and an opening or weakness of muscle or fascia; the pressure pushes an organ or tissue through the opening or weak spot. Sometimes the muscle weakness is present at birth; more often, it occurs later in life." ~WebMD~ and an incarcerated hernia is one that has allowed the bowels to slip through the hole, and become trapped ultimately outside the abdominal wall thus cutting off the blood flow to that portion of the bowel potentially leading to death of bowel tissue, and if untreated, patient death.

So yes, it is a very real emergency. And I had had this hernia for a long while (5 years) undiagnosed, long enough for it to go from being a normal sized hernia (about 1/2 to 1 inch in size), to an abnormally large hernia (approximately 3 1/2 inches long!) This comes somewhere in my favorite rant "Dr's don't listen to their patients, especially if you are a nurse/ex nurse, or are stoic even when in extreme pain", but I won't burden you with that particular rant right now, however tempting, lol. Picking up our topic again where we left off, let's just sum it up quickly and say, this is some serious shit (no pun intended!)

Initially the surgeon planned on doing the surgery the next day. Then he saw the CAT scan and decided to bump the surgery up to 4:30 pm that day.....and then he took a closer look at the CAT scan results, and suddenly my admission interview at 2:30pm in my hospital room being interupted by two OR nurses marching into my room, my poor sweet, and kind nurse Kim looking a bit confused as they announced they were taking me to surgery "right NOW!", and away we went! (to be continued)

You're a Witch

You're a witch, so make a brew
Heal yourself, and others too.
You know what you need to do
You're a witch, just make a brew!

Janice Kimball

And so I almost died

I have been living with pain for so long. Telling the Dr's, and having the Dr's do the minimal amount to find out what is going on....because they really do not believe me when I tell them I am in pain, because I am far too stoic, and I don't cry and carry on. So for the last 5 years I have been telling them that I have been having episodes of severe abdominal pain, changes in my bowel movements, and nausea whenever I ate anything, as well as a visible lump on my abdomen. They did a colonoscopy three years ago, told me I had a precancerous polyp in my bowels, did a few tests on my stool and told me to follow up in 5 years.

As I have APKD (adult polycystic kidney disease)so I assume they thought the lump was just a cyst, but no one really bothered to check. Over the last year all these symptoms have been exacerbated (become worse) to the point that the abdominal pain had become debilitating, the nausea so intense I was afraid to eat anything and only ate tiny amounts of food, and the lump in my abdomen grew larger, and harder. Finally last week the episodic pain I experienced which usually diminished within a few hours was not going away, but instead was getting worse over a period of 24 hours, and the nausea was becoming more intense. I tried to ignore it, but that was not happening...the nausea grew and I finally felt I needed to go and vomit....I made it three steps toward the bathroom and then began vomiting copious amounts of fluid, and all food I had eaten over the last two days. I knew right then I had to go to the ER, but I dreaded going...I was so tired of being patronized by Dr's who did not really believe me.

I waited a few hours to let my husband get at least 4 hours of sleep because he had just gone to bed an hour before the vomiting began. I woke my husband at 6am and off we went to the hospital. I checked into the ER and was taken back immediately, they did many labs, and then they did the one test which would define the seriousness of my illness, a CAT scan (to be continued.)

Upon Waking to Truth

Upon waking to truth
the soul rising realizes
that the journey chosen,
the path set upon
will not be easy
and yes, so you know
there will still be
mistakes made, and errors
of word, and deed
but the accountability
for those ill-spoken words,
and erroneous deeds
is a part of the journey
not merely apology,
but true contrition,
and all efforts made
to right, and rectify
insofar as we can do so
any wrong we have perpetuated
this process is just as much
a real part of all
the lessons required
to rise up as a Phoenix
and burn off the dross
leaving purest gold
in it's stead
Kali is the Goddess
who brings us,
out of love alone,
to this rising moment
because she knows
the total truth
of all we are,
and of all that,
when put through the fire,
we may become

(no subject)

One day you just wake up
and you realize
that all the storms
all the bad times
were not for nothing
that somehow through it all
the pain, the tears,
the crushing heartache
that made you feel
you could not breath
and you simply could not
go on being because
it simply hurt too much
that not in spite of this
but because of all of that
you have become wiser
you have become kinder
and you have become stronger
there is a peace that settles
in your heart upon the mending
that calms the spirit
and makes us realize
that loving is a gift
a sacred privilege
that links us directly
to the Divine

In the mirror

When I look in the mirror
then who is it I see?
the person that I am,
or what truly I be?
not a sweet loving princess
nor beautiful fae
but a warrior queen
from an earlier day!