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Some days my mind takes off without me....pondering crazy, lazy, and often hazy loopy thoughts which dance through my consciousness unbidden.  I have long since ceased believing this is normal thinking,  I ponder everything....I know many people address the divine "Why", but my mind has brought the question to new heights of the odd and unusual, with equally strange theories as to the answers.  They are only my theories, and as with everything, I do keep my mind ever open to new possibilities, new evidence, new theories, and new potential answers.  I am not one to claim my thoughts and ways are right for everyone, but what I do know is they work for me....and that is as it should be.

I know that I am in many ways an anacranism, I am that hexagonal peg that just won't fit in either the square , or the round holes.  The truth of it is I have no desire to "fit in", I want to stand apart, to not be apart of the crowd, or the herd.  I am not now, nor have I ever been, afraid to be different.  I want to shake people up... to bring them out of their comfort zones, to make them think.  I want them to look at the world through fresh eyes, to reevaluate their ideas, hopes, dreams, and world veiws....This choice has often made my life a lonely one, but I have long since accepted the price for being the odd duck in the group, and I would not have chosen differently.  I am content with my role in life.....even if the price may be a high one.

I see things in this world that break my heart, and shhake my faith in humanity itself.  On those days I sometimes wonder if the divine creators were to call me to give a report on the state of humanity exactly what it is I would say.....Sometimes I have even thought this planet would be better off without humans....We can be a cruel and calous lot, lacking in compassion and understanding,  kindness... and being small minded, mean spirited, narcissitic, egotistical louts.  I think if I were being honest in those moments I would tell the divine creator that we are a gawdaweful mess,...

When I say this I include myself in this harsh analysis for I am not innocent in all  these charges....I have had my moments that I have fallen far short of my own standards. I have done my best to make amends for those moments, and hopefully the further along my path I journey the fewer the occurances will be that I do need to make amends for.  Then I remember that we are all imperfect beings, and I believe we are here to get it right.....and I see the amazingly beautiful, kind,  heroic, and generous acts of some and I think....there is still hope, there is still light in the world.  It can hold against the darkness, it can save us from ourselves....We are worth saving, we are worth believing in, we are remarkable creatures with amazing potential....My heart soars with hope, and dares to dream of a better world in these moments.  

As I ponder all these things I realize I am not only a anacranism, I am an abstraction, an anomoly in not only heart and soul, but in mind as well.....I am a Picasso, or a Van Gogh in a Rembrandt world......Ah well, I always did like abstracts......Pax and love to all.....may your hearts know peace, and joy always my friends.

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ailindria
ailindria

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