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Not angry, but peaceful/

Ah the healing process, some days are good others, well, not so much.  I remind myself everyday that he never cared for me, and that he only used me when all else in his world fell apart, this is simply how it is, but still it is a hard truth to accept.  It is hard to know that someone who's friendship you cherished, that you loved and protected through the years never even cared one single bit about you.  This makes my heart ache for several reasons, first and foremost that he did not want my friendship at all....not to sound vain but I think I am a pretty good friend to those I give the gift of friendship to. As a friend I am loyal, loving, non-judgemental, generous, honest, and supportive, and yet still he did not want my friendship....it is of course his choice, but real friends in this world are so very rare, and so I am sorry not just about his rejection of my friendship for my sake, but also for his loss.....to loose a true friend is a real tragedy in this world. I myself know whenever I have lost one, or lost someone I percieved as one I have grieved deeply.  I doubt that he percieves loosing my friendship as a bad thing though, well at least until, or if, the day comes that he needs me again, then it will be an issue for him, until then he most likely has no regrets at all. And the other reason is real love is rare also in this world, and when you choose to abuse the heart of someone who you know truly loves you and cares about you...that my friends is a karmic debt I definitely would not want, but that is me because I believe in karma...and karmic debt, which I seem to have paid off in buckets in this lifetime.

I know I deserve to have been treated so much better than he ever did treat me, and I am hoping by reminding myself of these things daily the pain will go away quicker, and grief subside into that dull ache that comes with distant memories rather than the piercing dagger that still seems to rend my heart open, exposed, and bleeding as the salt of my own tears increases the pain.  I am doing better though, I don't cry every day now....and some days I get through the day on the mere acceptance of the harsh truth.  I suppose in ancient times one might call it "girding one's loins"  today it is just called accepting reality, and soldiering on I think, lol.  One day at a time, one hour at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time I keep going, finding strength in the fact that I do love myself, and knowing I am worthy of love, kindness, friendship, and loyalty the very things he could never give me...life is what it is, people are who they are, they like and love wherever their heart leads them, and of a certainty his heart never cherished mine at all...So I follow tentatively, as my heart finally leads me away from the pain he brought to me without remorse, a little further everyday, and I feel my heart becoming stronger, healing slowly....I find that it is not anger that I feel for him, but pity, I wish him well, and I move on.....I feel the love of the God/Goddess wash over me in comforting waves, so often now, and I know I have learned so many lessons in all this, but it is time to move on.  Everyday a tiny bit closer to the peace I seek in my soul.

"So what will you do if he comes back into your life?" some of my friends have asked.  I will treat him as kindly as I would any other person, but I know I can never allow him to abuse my heart again.  It is not about forgiveness, because I have already forgiven him, but rather about self respect,  trust, and boundries.  In order for me to consider him a friend at this point I would actually need him to prove it this time, not just with words which are meaningless without the actions which back them up, but with actions on a consistant basis which prove the truth of the words.  Some may say that if you love someone you would allow the person back in your life without hesitation, I say this is not true, it is fine to love someone but if that individual does not cherish who you, and treats you without respect then ultimately the bitter truth is that you are responsible for your own misery, and in the end you do a disservice to yourself, as well as the other person. Pax my friends, let love always guide all that you do.

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ailindria
ailindria

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