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Feb. 17th, 2016

Today has been a day of mixed blessings.  My daughter is now talking again with her father, and I am glad of it because in truth being close to your family is a good thing.  He and I no longer communicate but that is OK because he is obviously not related to me, lol.  There are no resentments on my part, but he has chosen, for whatever reason to not be friends, and that is indeed his prerogative.... at least he is still talking to his daughter.  I want to see my daughter happy, she has found someone who I can tell truly loves her, and cares for her as well, and this is a good thing too.  These things I count as blessings, and they bring me a certain degree of peace, and joy.

I know I have been talking a lot about my emotional state, but my physical well being I have not been bringing up.  It is hard dealing with the physical pain every day.  I try hard not to complain to anyone, to tough it out as best I can. I am not a wimp, I am not a crybaby.  The profound exhaustion sucks at my soul like a vampyr, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  It is not easy this illness, it's invisible hooks dig in and bind me, and when i find myself limited in things I can do, when I can not do many of the things I once did it is frustrating, and depressing.  I have given up going to the doctors to try to get help, I have given up fighting with social security trying to get benefits.  There are days I feel useless, unloved, and alone, merely a burden to those I care for....and this has been one of them.  I hold on though believing if I can just get through the things I need to do here on this plain of existance maybe they the Allfather and Allmother will bring me home, let me rest in the stones for eternity.

 I am here for a reason I know it, but I will be damned if I can figure that reason out right now.  I am doing the best I can to help as many people as I can, I wish I could do more.  I keep fighting with this invisible foe, I face it alone not wanting to drag others down with me.  I feel like I am drowning in a sea of inadequecy, all I can do is try to swim to a shore nameless, and unseen.  I keep hoping what I do will make a difference, that somehow my words, my poetry, my art will bring in some form of income to help with bills....but it does not, which makes me feel worse....Still I hang on, I keep trying, keep hoping, keep believing......and days like today I wonder why....why is it I am still here?....What more do I have to offer this world?.....I keep searching for answers to questions like these listening to the silence in my soul....the quiet voice inside that says "Be Strong, and persevere" is the only answer that echoes in my brain, and so I try to hang on uncomplaining, doing all I can to help others...until it is time to go.

I share this here because I trust that the ones who find it will be only those who need to find it.  I believe that those who may need to read these words I have written here may be suffering from chronic physical, as well as emotional ailments, and they may need to understand that feeling overwhelmed, and depressed is not a shameful thing, it is a very human thing.  Staying strong is not easy, but it is what I do because for me there is no other alternative.but it does not mean I never feel these things.  I do not know if what I write will help anyone, or if it will make a difference....I hope in some way, somehow it does.  Right now it is what I have to give, and so I give it, laying down my shields, laying bare my heart, removing all the masks, exposing my very soul....there are times that I face down so many fears, not the least of which is I do not want to be a burden to those that I love.  Pax to those who read these words, and to those who feel alone and lost, I pray that you will find what you need to move you forward in your life, and onward along your own path.  My love and blessings to you always my friends....

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ailindria
ailindria

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